A Case for Having (Decades) Older Friends

I know a lot about menopause and perimenopause. I know what it’s like to have hot flashes so bad that you sweat through your sheets. I know a lot about managing the death of a parent, watching your grown children get married, celebrating a long-overdue divorce by buying your girlfriends matching hats that say “thanku next.”

Yet, I’m too young to have gone through “the change,” my parents are still living, my children haven’t yet graduated high school and I’m insanely in love with my husband who I know feels the same about me. I am wise beyond my years because I am fortunate to have friends in my life who are older than me, some by decades.

Earlier this week, while I walked on the treadmill at 6:30 a.m., I watched “The Light We Carry: Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey,” on Netflix. It was a near 90-minute special in which Oprah interviewed Michelle about Michelle’s latest book, “The Light We Carry.” One of Michelle’s main points was the importance of “building your kitchen table.” She has a group of friends she has gathered over the years, from different times and walks of life, and they have honest, raw, relatable conversations about life. She talks about the importance of friendships, of finding people who see you, people who can help you “grow your light.”

There are plenty of scientific research studies that detail the importance of friendships and relationships on personal health and wellbeing. It’s easy to find studies that talk about the importance of friendship as you age – especially in the later years of life. What I struggle to find are studies that examine the impact of having friends who are decades older than you. I can’t find the scientific data that says there is value, but I know it’s valuable because I live it.  

I have a group of 7 female friends and together our ages span three decades. I give credit to our ring leader, Tama, who was friends with us all individually at some point in life, and brought us all together as women who grow each other’s’ light. Tama, you are our Michelle Obama. Granted, there are times when the group conversation turns to a topic where I don’t have much to contribute, but that’s when I learn. I don’t only learn about what to expect as I get older, I learn to be strong. I get to learn from women who are survivors, who have made it through the other side of losing a child in a tragic way, of having a partner betray you in unbearably embarrassing ways, of having shit fall apart and live to pick it back up and upcycle life for the better. Besides, despite our age differences, we still have plenty in common. We are women, mothers, employees, spouses, friends, creatives and sexual creatures who are all trying to figure out this thing called life.

So, cheers to friends who see your light and make you strong, even before you know you need the strength. Here’s to making time for your friends, prioritizing the relationships and making sure your age-range is broad.